Of the meanings of confession I have come across, this definition suits what I want to talk about most.
Confession is described as “a statement admitting something that you are ashamed or embarrassed about.(Oxford Advanced learner’s dictionary). I have held on to this for so long but this my heart needs space for other better things. Do you know how guilt kills? It could be guilt of breaking a plate and hiding it away or guilt of committing adultery, or guilt of leading someone astray. It could even be guilt of cheating on your diet but whichever , guilt eats deep into you like cancer. The worst kind of guilt is when it concerns decisions you make on behalf of others and they turn …..not so good. It blocks every pore of assimilating positive vibes into you. Guilt stays until you take a stand and say, “I did it wrong”. I think this is the reason the Catholic church demands their followers to occasionally go for confessions. It is not that the priest will forgive you but it will bring relief to your soul.
For me, the pen and the paper is my confessional box while my readers are my priests. (Takes a deep breath). Here we go….
I will take you back to some years ago when my kids were in their first year of nursery school. Let me hastily remind you that nursery schools is not the way we used to know it when we were younger. It was more carefree than now, less stressful but yet we learnt and we are still here. So, I had that “easy go, school will be fun” idea for my kids. However, it crashed when the teachers started demanding more than I expected. “Madam, your son’s letter X is falling, your daughter refused to talk today”. It was not easy for me and the twins. Sometimes we spent hours writing numbers 1 to 100 in kg one. (Maybe you will understand why parents employ lesson teachers for kids as young as 3 years).
I met parents who were okay with the system. They complained and kept smiling. I complained and the teachers thought I was a dundee, as if I didn’t break any slate. I endured and we kept smiling to school. We did our assignments but that did not stop the teachers from expecting our “t” to be crossed always. I was breaking a little daily till one time when someone with good intentions said, ” what kind of education are they offering now? This is not how to teach”. If only she knew, she won’t have said it to my hearing because, that did it for me. I pulled my kids out of the school. More like I ran. I was scared that my kids might not meet up judging with the way the teachers were always complaining, esp Bobo’s teacher. At a point, the poor boy was lacking confidence. I looked for another school that took it easier on kids. The kids were ok. The complaints stopped. Bobo’s confidence soared and his reading level became superb. His sister’s maturity increased.
I am human after all. So, it was not so long before I started thinking again( someone said I think alot. Maybe it’s true). As I saw kids from the school I pulled the kids from, I wondered if the kids won’t have made it too if they had stayed. It was then I started hearing of similar stories from other parents and how they surmounted them. As the kids became older, they started asking why I pulled them because they still had friends there. So much for thinking the memories of their two year there would dim with time. Really, I did not know how to answer them so they won’t think less of themselves. I think there was a day I even apologised to the kids and hubby for my hasty decision. I have grown wiser now and I know they would have done just fine. Although, I think the good thing was my son’s self esteem that bloomed. Even though the teaching methods now have changed drastically, I think it is the era we are in now. Things have changed and more will still change. Now, I have grown out of my childhood fantasy of a carefree school. I think schools are not carefree anymore. The bar has been raised and everyone is aiming high. I expect more from my kids too . I tell them that the world does not wait for the slow runner. How fast-paced we have become.
I have learnt my lesson. Now, I know that the lives of the kids are really in our hands. Whatever they will be in twenty years from now is largely dependent on us. We will be careful with them. Sometimes, decisions we make will take a long time for us to over rule them, that is if we ever get the chance to over rule them. Thank goodness, I still have the time to make things right with them and I am making the most of the time I have with them.
Another lesson is that we all have it in us to soar. As long as we don’t give in to fear and run. Dogs fear and run. Lions roar and go for the kill. I choose to roar always. We have the power. Fear scares and kills hope. Faith gives life and always multiplies.
You can share decisions you have made that altered another’s life with us.