I have some books on my bookshelf that have me scared out of my wits. I bought them myself ,with my hard earned money but I can’t get myself to read them. The first time I tried to read ‘Created to be his helpmeet’ by Debi Pearl, I dropped it like it was hot. I have some amazing books on parenting and I so want to devour them but, yours truly doesn’t want her feathers to be ruffled.
Imagine changing your mindset over ideas that have formed over a period of time. Imagine having to restructure your lifestyle because of another person(s). Books have a profound effect on our lives. We cannot change until we have been exposed to ideas from the pages of a book. Learning in any form changes a mindset.
I am not perfect yet but I can do better if I follow the steps of people that have threaded this same path before me. Why then am I afraid to do so? The reason is simple. I am afraid to change my status quo. I am afraid to change my parenting methods to suit God’s way. I yell at the kids, not minding that it makes my face wrinkle. Not really because I like it but that is the way I know it to be. We scream and and the kids obey in fear. Finish! I am afraid to learn how to be his helpmeet as my Creator wants it. I cannot open myself to any teaching if I am not willing to let them leave their impacts on me. Staying in my comfort zone does not make me excellent. It just makes me…….comfortable. Alexander Solzhenitsyn made it clear when he said, “we do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable”. How true.
I want to hold on to the things that work well for me, when in reality, it just makes the world go by without any significant attachment. Here is my dilemma…what if I give up my ‘seeming’ rights and end up being made a floor mat? No one wants to be a floor mat, neither to the husband nor to the kids . I can never truly know until I give myself to seeking the truth in the lines of books. No truth will bring anyone down if we stick to it. It sure sounds easy to say but the rumbling in the pit of my stomach is saying otherwise.
Truth is, I am afraid to change. I want to but I am scared. Is that not how we feel when we want to make a deal with God? We tell God to stay in his lane while we stay in ours. We cross carpet to his when we need Him and get back to ours when we want to be cool with ourselves. Life is not fair. It is hard when one wants to be at par with God.
I can rant all I want but if I want to change the world with my opinions, if I want to raise Godly and responsible children, if I want to be my brother’s keeper, both to my husband and everyone around, then I will overcome my fear of losing who I think I am to actually find myself. (Sighs) This is gonna be a tough one. The good side to it is that I can only be as physically rich as I am mentally rich.
Hear this from John Cage.
” All I know about method is that when I am not working I sometimes think I know something, but when I am working, it is quiet clear I know nothing”.
He is not making it any easier for me with the above quote. I take this journey with fear and trembling. I do not know the things I will encounter. Some days I will want to stop and close my eyes and ears, other days, I will flow with the tide. Like Shunryu Suzuki said, “when you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself”.
Who is ready to burn with me?